Surviving the Holiday Season as an Autistic Adult: A Time for Caring for Self, then Others & a Free Mental Health Resource from Dr Megan Ann Neff

The holidays can be a time of coziness and companionship or they can be a time of overwhelm and difficulty or a strange mix of both.

I recall feeling so distressed when working in a department store thirty years ago and Christmas began before Hallowe'en. Boxes upon boxes of decorations and lights to unpack. A half dozen or more twelve foot themed trees to decorate. Shelves of dishes, glasses, towels and small electronics to stock and restock and prices to be increased to later be put "on sale". Demanding customers insisting on you finding the perfect thing for them to give a loved one and all to the constant refrain of Deck the Halls on seemingly endless replay. I didn't know I was autistic back then. Just "highly sensitive" and given easily to overload.

Fast forward thirty years and one of my young adult children just worked the weekend shifts for a shop filled with a crushing throng of shoppers who were unfortunately, by and large, obnoxiously rude and demanding. She came home understandably overwhelmed, her senses pinging and body aching so much that she could not sleep, only to have to return to do her shift again the next day (which thankfully was somewhat better). She described one of the days filled with busy shoppers as so much worse than she ever imagined it could be. Nightmarish, to be precise. Hot, loud, busy, crowded.

Just like many stores throughout December should you need to go to one and who doesn't?

The holidays can truly bring out the best in people and it is such a wonderfully beautiful thing when they do but unfortunately it can bring out the worst as well. In others and in us when we are strung out like a half fried set of tree lights by all the pressures and demands of a season that's largely inescapable whether you are a participant or an onlooker.

My YA whom I speak of here lives for Christmas...has loved it with all her heart since she was a child and making crafts to share with family and friends but the pressures to do it all and make it look like something straight out of a Hallmark Christmas movie can prove to be all consuming now. For she and I both. And for many.

Caring for oneself, whether the holidays are your favourite time of year or one to just get through is paramount. And this is easier said than done in a time of overlapping crises when so many of us are in a near constant battle just to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads.

Who has time or energy for self care? What does it even look like?

Self care can be as simple as sitting with a warm mug of something you love and watching the steam rise, swirling up. Noticing that your breath can settle upon the exhale, and pausing a quiet moment before your next inhale.

It can be getting outside for a nature walk or a walk around where you live to watch the snowfall, swirling, mesmerizing, soft and gentle.

Or watching it out your window if the ice and cold and north winds aren't your thing.

Or chair yoga, or maybe vagal nerve toning such as cold water face splashes/immersions*, or trying a brief intro to meditation.

Or reaching out to chat with someone about your day. (There is a chat as part of this online group that you can email a request to be part of if you like.)

All this said, the holidays can still feel like you are trying to cross the turbulent seas to January's shores and you are constantly bailing ship to keep from sinking.

I know this well. 

While I love the quiet warmth of a Christmas tree lit up in the dark of early winter I cannot abide by the migraine inducing flashing lights of neighbour's light displays. I love the smell of evergreen trees on forest trails but cannot handle the artificial fragrances that flood the airways during the holidays. And I love to quietly make crafts to share with loved ones but feel the pinch of trying to spread an already tight budget over all the gift giving needs when food and shelter costs are increasing so much faster than incomes.

I know because I love that I have family who want to invite me and mine to dinners and gatherings but the hard truth is I may or may not be able to attend//stay depending on the spoons I have available on any given day. And the holidays are a spoon using time.

It seems the metaphorical wrapping paper always tears at the pressure points and only the wealthy and financially privileged have the sort of financial tape that holds it all together with seeming grace and ease.  

So when I opened the brilliant Dr Megan Ann Neff's late November Neurodivergent Insights newsletter and saw what it was about I ensured I had some time to take a stroll through her always generous offerings but I was not prepared for the way this one caught me by the guts.

Staying Through the Hard Moments: Notes for a Difficult Season by Dr Megan Ann Neff

Her title and content note on suicidality should have been warning enough that this one was going to cut to the core of what so many autistic adults feel so deeply during the holiday season but struggle to articulate. The painful overwhelm of high expectations, demands on time and energy and the personal, emotional and financial strain of the holiday season are all real and can bring us to very dark places.

As an AuDHD identified psychologist, this woman knows her stuff and she unpacks it in a very understandable and compassionate way.

Some of us long for connection but don’t have the people we ache for. Some of us have people, but our nervous systems and theirs collide, making the season feel like one long act of bracing.Some are carrying generational pain, old stories, griefs, and wounds that get louder this time of year.

What makes this especially challenging is that these heavier emotions often arise against the backdrop of what society frames as “the magical holiday season.” There’s a pressure to feel joy, wonder, and connection — but instead, we might feel restless, agitated, or even melancholic.

And at a population level, we know this season is hard on mental health. Coping gets stretched thin. Substance use rises. People feel more alone. Dysfunctional family dynamics pull us back in. Old hurts resurface.

Dr Neff shares insights into all of this and she and her team have created a free document to help anyone in a mental health crisis stay with "the difficult moments" in a wise and psychologically sound way. It is a free offering though you need to share your name and address with her in order to access the free download. The resource is meant to be shared widely to help save lives. 

...my team and I created a neurodivergent-adapted safety plan. We call it The Help Me Stay Plan. It’s free, printable, and designed with our community in mind, including: sensory overwhelm, shutdowns, impulsivity, high masking, and those rapid emotional spikes that can come with transitions or interpersonal pain.

As we head into a season that can be both beautiful and brutal, I wanted to offer it to you.

If it’s helpful, take it. If someone in your life might need it, please share it. You’re welcome to pass it along to schools, clinicians, clinical training programs, or anyone who could use a neurodivergent-affirming tool like this. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/free/the-neurodivergent-adapted-safety-plan/

I wish you the comfort of having your needs met this holiday season in a safe and dignified manner. In the absence of this, I wish you the strength to reach out and ask for help because you are so very deserving of comfort and of care. Yes, we all are so deserving of comfort and of caring...XO

*vagal nerve toning via full cold water immersion should be done under medical advisment

Thanks for reading!

Wishing you and us all an abundance of wellness and ease.

Jill