30 Reminders for Sensitive People Who Feel Drained, Ashamed, or Judged

This is a beautiful article from Tiny Buddha by Lori Deschene. The full article is here. I think it ties in with our recent discussions around masking, unmasking, and setting boundaries. And it’s relevant to autistic people as we are often overly sensitive to our own and others’ emotions, even the feelings of animals. And unfortunately, since our reactions are often criticized or unwelcome, we learn to mask and hide or bury our true feelings, so others not only don’t get to see our reactions, but they often see us as wooden and unfeeling instead of as the sensitive emotional creatures many of us are. Not all autistics are highly sensitive people, of course, but I think it describes a great many of us. I should point out I’m not saying autism is the same as being a highly sensitive person, I’m saying I think a great many autistic people have the personality trait of being a highly sensitive person (HSP). 

So for those of us who struggle to get through the day without crying over something, here are the 30 reminders for you:

When You Feel Drained

1. You are only responsible for your own emotions. You can’t take away everyone else’s pain, and if you could, you’d be robbing them of the chance to grow.

2. You don’t need to fix anyone else’s problems. Just listening is enough—but you can only listen for so long before it gets to be too much.

3. You don’t need to put yourself in environments that overstimulate you, and choosing to do something different doesn’t make you weird or any less fun.

4. It’s not worth forcing yourself to do something if you know you won’t enjoy it and you’ll end up feeling drained.

5. You can choose to listen to your instincts instead of your anxiety. If you feel you need to leave but you’re worried about how you’ll be perceived, focus on the voice that knows what’s best for you.

6. Other people and external situations can only drain you if you let them. You have the ability and right to set boundaries at any time.

7. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

8. Sleep isn’t a luxury; you need to get sufficient rest to handle the many parts of life that are emotionally exhausting.

9. The most important question you can ask yourself, at any time, but particularly when you feel overwhelmed, is “What do I need right now?”

10. It doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. Even five minutes of a calming practice, like deep breathing or yoga, can make a huge difference.

When You Feel Ashamed

11. You can’t control or change that you have a highly sensitive nervous system, and you can’t help that you process everything deeply and experience emotions intensely. You wouldn’t feel ashamed of your hair or eye color, so why feel ashamed of something else you were born with?

12. Sensitivity isn’t a weakness; it’s the source of your understanding, compassion, depth, and creativity—which means it’s actually a strength.

13. There is nothing “wrong” with you, and you’re worthy of love and respect just as you are.

14. You are not alone. According to psychologist Elaine Aron, who wrote the book on HSPs, highly sensitive people make up fifteen to twenty percent of the population.

15. If someone else shamed you for your sensitivity, or for coping with it ineffectively because you didn’t know any better, you didn’t deserve it.

16. Your shame comes from the story you’re telling yourself about yourself—and you can change that story to be more compassionate at any time.

17. You don’t have to “fix” your emotional intensity. You simply need to observe your emotions so you’re less likely to get caught up in them.

18. You are not what you do. If you act in a way you regret when you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed or overstimulated, you can simply apologize, forgive yourself, learn from the experience, and move on.

19. Crying isn’t something to be ashamed of. It actually helps release stress and pent-up emotions, and it’s a sign of immense courage if you let yourself cry instead of resisting vulnerability.

20. If you sit with your shame instead of trying to numb it, it will eventually move through you. No emotion lasts forever.

When You Feel Judged

21. For every person who might judge you, there’s someone else who’d love, value, and accept you just as you are.

22. You don’t need everyone to understand or like you; you just need to understand and have compassion for yourself.

23. What other people think of you is their business, and their opinions and judgments can only hurt you if you let them.

24. Just because someone else says you’re “too sensitive,” that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong or you need to change.

25. If other people don’t value you, they’re missing out on the chance for a deep, meaningful relationship with someone who’d always be there and would never hurt or judge them.

26. If someone judges you, it’s a reflection of where they are in their life and development, not who you are as a person.

27. Just because someone minimizes your feelings, that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid.

28. You have the right to end a conversation at any time if someone dismisses your feelings or violates your boundaries.

29. It’s okay to walk away from a relationship if someone consistently devalues, disrespects, or hurts you.

30. Just because you think someone is judging you, that doesn’t mean they are. Their silence, distance, or mood may have nothing to do with you. 

In the article Lori recommends we "print it, put it somewhere you’ll see it often, and perhaps you can etch these ideas into your memory, as deeply but not as painfully as the criticisms you’ve likely heard over the years." I edited the list to change it to the first person so after printing I could use the list as affirmations or reminders to myself and I've pasted that here in case anyone else wants it.  

1. I am only responsible for my own emotions. I can’t take away everyone else’s pain, and if I could, I’d be robbing them of the chance to grow.

2. I don’t need to fix anyone else’s problems. Just listening is enough—but I can only listen for so long before it gets to be too much.

3. I don’t need to put myself in environments that overstimulate me, and choosing to do something different doesn’t make me weird or any less fun.

4. It’s not worth forcing myself to do something if I know I won’t enjoy it and I’ll end up feeling drained.

5. I can choose to listen to my instincts instead of my anxiety. If I feel I need to leave but I’m worried about how I’ll be perceived, focus on the voice that knows what’s best for me.

6. Other people and external situations can only drain me if I let them. I have the ability and right to set boundaries at any time.

7. It’s not selfish to take care of myself. As the saying goes, I can’t pour from an empty cup.

8. Sleep isn’t a luxury; I need to get sufficient rest to handle the many parts of life that are emotionally exhausting.

9. The most important question I can ask myself, at any time, but particularly when I feel overwhelmed, is “What do I need right now?”

10. It doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. Even five minutes of a calming practice, like deep breathing or yoga, can make a huge difference.

11. I can’t control or change that I have a highly sensitive nervous system, and I can’t help that I process everything deeply and experience emotions intensely. I wouldn’t feel ashamed of my hair or eye color, so why feel ashamed of something else I was born with?

12. Sensitivity isn’t a weakness; it’s the source of my understanding, compassion, depth, and creativity—which means it’s actually a strength.

13. There is nothing “wrong” with me, and I’m worthy of love and respect just as I am.

14. I am not alone. According to psychologist Elaine Aron, who wrote the book on HSPs, highly sensitive people make up fifteen to twenty percent of the population.

15. If someone else shamed me for my sensitivity, or for coping with it ineffectively because I didn’t know any better, I didn’t deserve it.

16. My shame comes from the story I’m telling myself about myself—and I can change that story to be more compassionate at any time.

17. I don’t have to “fix” my emotional intensity. I simply need to observe my emotions so I’m less likely to get caught up in them.

18. I am not what I do. If I act in a way I regret when I’m feeling emotionally overwhelmed or overstimulated, I can simply apologize, forgive myself, learn from the experience, and move on.

19. Crying isn’t something to be ashamed of. It actually helps release stress and pent-up emotions, and it’s a sign of immense courage if I let myself cry instead of resisting vulnerability.

20. If I sit with my shame instead of trying to numb it, it will eventually move through me. No emotion lasts forever.

21. For every person who might judge me, there’s someone else who’d love, value, and accept me just as I am.

22. I don’t need everyone to understand or like me; I just need to understand and have compassion for myself.

23. What other people think of me is their business, and their opinions and judgments can only hurt me if I let them.

24. Just because someone else says I’m “too sensitive,” that doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong or I need to change.

25. If other people don’t value me, they’re missing out on the chance for a deep, meaningful relationship with someone who’d always be there and would never hurt or judge them.

26. If someone judges me, it’s a reflection of where they are in their life and development, not who I am as a person.

27. Just because someone minimizes my feelings, that doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t valid.

28. I have the right to end a conversation at any time if someone dismisses my feelings or violates my boundaries.

29. It’s okay to walk away from a relationship if someone consistently devalues, disrespects, or hurts me.

30. Just because I think someone is judging me, that doesn’t mean they are. Their silence, distance, or mood may have nothing to do with me.