Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Codependency, and Loss of Core Identity
I recently saw this great thread on Twitter from @mykola He’s an autistic advocate https://myk.pub/autistic-advocate-44. The thread refers to an article on neuroclastic.com and the article refers to “resources to help you connect to your Core Self, untangle yourself from codependent relationships, and identify the masks that are acting as identity cages.” After the thread, I’m going to post some excerpts from the article/resources but if you’re interested in this topic, I highly recommend you read the entire article and check out the resources. Here's the thread:
"You know what we need? A name for the specific form of complex trauma you develop if you grow up unaware that you’re #actuallyAutistic. Every person I talk to has the same basic pattern to overcome. It looks like this:
1. You grow up with needs and interests that nobody can understand. Those are coming from your Core Self, they are how your body tells you what it needs. But your Core Self is different in meaningful ways from those of the people around you. And you’re 2 so you don’t understand.
2. Over time, you learn that when your Core Self is in conflict with what others expect from you the people in your life will all assure you that everything is fine and you just have to try harder. So, confused, you try harder.
3. At some point you come to see the Core Self as a source of nonsensical demands that make your life harder. You start to distance yourself from it, build walls to keep it at bay. You understand that you need to trust others, not yourself, about how the world works.
4. Now your entire identity becomes increasingly predicated on earning the approval of other people. Maybe you find that this is easy enough — you learn to mask, and it’s clunky at first but eventually you synthesize an identity(ies) that more or less works for your life.
5. You grow up, get through school (which you are only capable of navigating by masking, and you assume everyone else is engaged in similar struggles) and find yourself in the world. Great! You did it!
6. You’re probably pretty smart. You have been living a purely cognitive life, processing everything intellectually because what else would you do? Your Core Self and its needs are long forgotten. And so you build a life as your mask. You know something is wrong, but what?
7. You start having adult friendships and relationships, and no matter how well they start they all fall apart for reasons you can’t fully understand. So you learn to mask harder. You figure it out. Maybe you get married, have kids.
8. But that vague disquiet, that sense that Something Is Wrong? Instead of getting quieter with age it’s getting louder. It gets to the point that it feels like a klaxon in your head telling you your whole life is wrong - but wtf does that even mean?
9. You get older. Now in your 30s your life looks very different. Instead of going out with friends after work every night you can barely function. Taking care of yourself becomes harder. Your temper appears in random places.
10. One day you go to do something you’ve done a billion times before - you reach out for your mask so that you can have an interaction. Only today? Today there was nothing there. And suddenly your life has fallen apart and you have no idea what’s going on.
Not everyone follows the exact same course, but the pattern is clear. The amazing and insightful and ever-giving
@neuroclastic came up with the concept of “identity masking” for masking in place of a core self. This resource is amazing:
But the problem here is so big. There are millions of people who don’t know they’re Autistic just identity masking through life and wondering why things keep getting harder. And identity masking is only one component of this. The shape of the trauma is everywhere.
Identity masking means you are living your mask’s life instead of your own. It leaves you wide a open to relationship trauma, gaslighting and abuse. It makes you unable to make big decisions informed by your whole self. It means you are adrift and alone no matter where you go." end of thread
BTW @mykola says “Most Autistic people on earth today are undiagnosed adults.” That’s something I agree with and I cannot understand why there isn't more effort to find and support us.
This discussion makes me think of a quote from Dr. Natalie Engelbrecht from Embrace Autism. In this article describing post-diagnostic experiences, she said “Knowing I was autistic allowed me to understand that I have a brain that is designed to ceaselessly search for what is wrong in everything all day and night, including myself. " I’ve never heard that before or seen that discussed anywhere but to me if our autistic brains are constantly looking for what’s wrong with us and everything around us, that has to be a big part of this.
“You may begin by simply asking yourself, “Is this belief/ practice/ relationship/ situation adding anything positive to my life?” Then, thinking about how your life would be different without it.
It could be as simple as deciding that you don’t enjoy going to book club once a month or that you don’t have to answer the phone every time a specific person calls.
It may also look like rearranging your priorities, spending a little more time developing something you enjoy and a little less time doing something for others who are not reciprocating your efforts.”
As I continue with trying to connect with my core self, for me the paragraphs above relate to this group and my failure to create a safe and accepting environment for autistic people including me. Instead, some group members expect me to be or act neurotypical and will not tolerate or accept me if/when I cannot do that. I don’t know if this is internalized ableism or what but, in my experience, it is not possible to do enough to gain their support or acceptance.
I recently listened to a podcast describing how just being an autistic person living in the world with the known features of the autistic neurotype can result in behaviour that appears noncompliant to neurotypicals. That neurotypical people do not realize how much of an autistic person’s energy is taken up with transitions and so they make demands requiring too much flexibility of the autistic person, and how important it is for autistic people to get a sense of certainty and reduce the unpredictability in their environment. Since the neurotypical world is so confusing and inconsistent and neurotypical people are changing their minds all the time. The auDHD psychologist then talked about making plans with neurotypical people and how just having them question those plans would cause her to meltdown. This paragraph describes my experience last July working on our not-for-profit except my experience wasn’t with neurotypical people. But they were confusing, inconsistent, kept changing their minds, intentionally vague, and completely changed the direction of our proposal at the last minute. I burned out trying to work with people who wouldn’t accept the common autistic challenges that I have aka ‘known features of the autistic neurotype.’ I was so overwhelmed I thought they were trying to kill me.
That’s a more succinct version of what I've already written explaining why I dropped out of the proposal last summer, but the gist is the same.
I understand it was my fault for getting involved in the first place. There was plenty of evidence that the people I was attempting to work with, were not reciprocating my efforts.
After that, lies were spread about me because I was overwhelmed and burned out and they came up with more reasons to not support or accept autistic people until I had to delink the groups because they had different intentions. PEI Autistic Adults accepts all autistic people – there is no right or wrong way to be autistic.
Just to be clear, I’m talking specifically about the four people I tried to work with on the proposal. I am not in a dispute with the autistic community on PEI.
I’ll admit I don’t know how to set boundaries and protect myself from this behaviour. Or how to get people to acknowledge the boundaries I've set. Certainly I explained my difficulties and what I needed to proceed but I was ignored and had to drop out. And then with the issues in September, after delinking the groups, I thought I had gotten away. I got some messages that I found confusing – she bragged about her new group and ignored everything I said. I focused on continuing to lead PEI Autistic Adults while trying to recover from burnout. I had no idea they were making up some ongoing conflict while claiming to have the only autistic led organization on PEI.
I'm obviously going to have to make some big changes to protect myself and my sanity...I just don't know what they are. But this is not how I want to spend the last years of my life.